Would You Rather Be Right, or Be in a Relationship?
There is a given in a couple's fight: one person is right, and the other person is wrong. When a fight is happening, this is so obvious to each partner—and each partner tries to convince the other of their perception. We are uniquely uninterested in the other's perspective, and uniquely dedicated to getting them to see ours.
But then why does Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, ask: "Would you rather be right, or be in a relationship?"
What De-escalation Actually Requires
To de-escalate a couple's fight, we have to ask ourselves how the other person is seeing us. What are they seeing that we are doing that is hurtful and escalating? What are we doing—even without intention—to trigger the hurt child in the other? How are we reacting, from the perspective of our own hurt child, in ways that justify exponentially increasing anger and indignation?
If one person does this, the escalation can begin to change. If two people do this, genuine healing can occur.
Good Intentions Aren't Enough
For the record: in working with most couples, my impression is that each partner is a fundamentally ethical, caring person of good intention.
But when our hurt child is triggered, good intention toward the other becomes replaced with the passionate need to defend ourselves. In that moment, we are doing what we feel we desperately need to do—but we are sadly losing sight of the other, our partner and friend.
One Hundred Percent of the Responsibility Belongs to Each of Us
This is the part that surprises people: one person can change the direction of a fight. Which means 100% of the responsibility belongs to each of us—not as blame, but as possibility.
You don't need your partner to go first. You don't need them to suddenly become curious or generous before you can be. The shift begins when one person is willing to pause and genuinely wonder: How is my partner experiencing this moment? What are they afraid of? And what am I doing—even without meaning to—that's feeding that?
That question alone can interrupt the pattern.
When You're Ready for Real Support
If you and your partner find yourselves in the same fights, over and over, with neither of you feeling truly heard—that's not a sign your relationship is broken. It may be a sign you'd benefit from a space where someone can help you interrupt those patterns together.
At GAP's low-fee therapy clinic in NYC, we offer couples therapy with advanced trainees under intensive faculty supervision—real, skilled therapeutic work at accessible rates. Learn more about our clinic here.
Written by Arleen Maiorano, LCSW, Executive Director of the Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy and Training in NYC. Arleen is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Psychoanalyst with extensive training in Gestalt Therapy, Interactive Group Therapy, Schema, EMDR, and Imago Relationship Therapy. She works with individuals, couples, and groups in New York.
