The Importance of an Apology

In my work with couples—and in my own relationship—I find myself amazed both at the ease with which an apology can mediate a difficult relational moment and put it to rest, and at the great difficulty one member of a dyad may have in summoning up that powerful tool and offering it to the other.

This is because—depending upon your point of view—an apology is either a heartfelt recognition of the justified hurt the other is experiencing, or an indictment and criticism, completely unreasonable and undeserved, which must be defended against at any cost.

Why Apologizing Is So Hard

By definition, an apology recognizes that one member of a dyad has done something that has hurt the other—possibly unintentionally or reactively. Both members are often triggered in the same moment: one feeling unfairly accused, or not appreciated for their overall good intention; the other feeling unseen by their partner's difficulty in recognizing their hurt.

In both cases, what is often triggered is a childhood feeling of being unfairly criticized—or, conversely, of being ignored and invalidated.

Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, once asked an important question: Would you rather be right, or be in a relationship? In those moments when it is difficult for one partner to apologize for hurting the other—and for the other to let go of their absolute entitlement to an apology—the answer is that both partners would rather be right.

It is our human instinct to fight for what we feel we deserve, or to defend ourselves against a perceived wrong.

The Work of Being in a Relationship

But the work of being in a relationship is often to do the opposite: to see the other's point of view, even if it doesn't make sense to us, and to validate their perception even if it doesn't feel justified. It is their perception, after all—and to be curious about it opens a bridge toward a healing connection.

In crossing this bridge, we enter into what Martin Buber calls the I/Thou, or the "between"—the sacred space created by two individuals as they attempt to look at or experience the world through each other's eyes. And yes, this communication, and this foregoing of the need to be right, must go both ways. In this difficult moment, each partner must try to see the world from the other's point of view.

The Layers Beneath the Moment

The request—often the demand—for an apology can trigger the "guilty" partner's childhood feeling of being unfairly blamed and criticized, of never having been good enough. It can challenge their firmly embedded identity as a good person, perhaps a perfect person: an identity that may have been formed in opposition to a critical, blaming parent. The impulse is to defend oneself at all costs.

Similarly, not receiving an apology that feels well deserved can trigger the "wounded" partner's childhood feeling that a critical parent never fully acknowledged the injustice of their hurtful behavior. The impulse is to insist on getting the validation that is justly deserved—so as to finally feel met, instead of feeling impotent and completely alone.

A Perfect Storm

As you can see, it is difficult to negotiate this important moment. Both parties are hurt, often by the instantaneous, co-created reaction to the other. The moment is charged—a perfect storm.

Awareness of this difficulty can help both partners navigate it over time, if each becomes aware of the pattern that consistently emerges, and if each becomes aware of the small child that is simultaneously being triggered in both of them—each feeling wronged, each feeling misunderstood and alone, each needing the other to reach out and meet in the "between."

Finding Support

If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in cycles of accusation and defense—where apologies feel impossible to give or receive—couples therapy can offer a space to understand these patterns and begin to move through them together.

At GAP's low-fee therapy clinic in NYC, we offer couples therapy at accessible rates ($60/session) with advanced post-graduate trainees under intensive faculty supervision. Learn more about our clinic here.

Written by Arleen Maiorano, LCSW, Executive Director of the Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy and Training in NYC. Arleen is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Psychoanalyst with extensive training in Gestalt Therapy, Interactive Group Therapy, Schema, EMDR, and Imago Relationship Therapy. She works with individuals, couples, and groups in New York.