Couples Curse Words: Five Words That Lead to Nowhere
In my work with couples, I half-jokingly—but 100% seriously—tell them that there are five relationship curse words:
You. Should. Always. Never. But.
Why These Words Get Us Into Trouble
If we start a statement with "You," it soon becomes apparent that it's difficult to say you without it being followed by should, always, or never. And this always gets us into trouble—because we are pointing a finger, blaming the other, and setting the foundation for a negative interchange:
You should have remembered it was my birthday.
You always forget to clean the dishes.
You never put away your clothes.
A pointed finger always invites a defense response: Who are you to criticize me? You forgot I had to work late. You never turn off the lights. You are always picking on me.
We are then on what I call the Road to Nowhere.
What to Say Instead
Imagine the response if we say instead: It's my birthday—let's find a time to celebrate. Let's wash the dishes together. You know it drives me crazy, so please indulge me and pick up your clothes.
Without the pointed finger, the same concerns can actually be heard.
And of course, without any conflict at all, you is a wonderful word: You are so special to me. You are the light of my life. You are my best friend, and I appreciate every day I have with you. The more we use it that way, the better—if only it were so easy.
The Special Problem with "But"
"But" causes its own particular damage, because it is so often used to negate an apology:
Ok, you're right, I'm sorry that I forgot to clean the dishes—but I did them yesterday, and you're always picking on everything I do.
We can see where that's going.
If an apology is genuine, no "but" is necessary—and no "but" is allowed. The "but" signals that the real point is still coming, and whatever came before it disappears.
Vulnerable Language vs. Critical Language
It's so important—and so difficult—to speak with vulnerable language that creates curiosity and empathy, rather than critical language that creates defensiveness.
"I need" or "I feel" makes us vulnerable, like an innocent child with outstretched and open arms. We take the risk that our partner might not be open to hearing us—but the potential benefit of that risk is closeness and connection.
"You are" allows us to feel safe, like an angry child with crossed arms. But the probable outcome of that perceived safety is alienation and resentment.
Feeling able to support ourselves to be vulnerable is part of life's journey—and we are all on the journey together.
When These Patterns Feel Hard to Break Alone
These language habits are deeply grooved, and usually trace back to how we learned to protect ourselves long before this relationship began. Breaking them takes more than awareness—it often takes a real space to practice.
At GAP's low-fee therapy clinic in NYC, we offer couples therapy at accessible rates ($60/session) with advanced post-graduate trainees under intensive faculty supervision. Learn more about our clinic here.
Written by Arleen Maiorano, LCSW, Executive Director of the Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy and Training in NYC. Arleen is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Psychoanalyst with extensive training in Gestalt Therapy, Interactive Group Therapy, Schema, EMDR, and Imago Relationship Therapy. She works with individuals, couples, and groups in New York.
